Rehabilitation of a Yogi: Dialogue with Fear

May 31, 2011 § 2 Comments

Sometimes Fear comes around, strong and undeniable.  He knocks on my door and this time I choose to let him in so we can talk over tea and cookies.

<--break->

Margarita: Oh, hello there, Fear.  How are you?

Fear: I am terrible.  I am fierce and powerful. I am all things most terrifying in this world.  I am the dark, the height, the closed tight fist in your gut, the angry crowd, the locked cage in the center of your chest.

M: I see.  Well, would you like to come in and talk about it?

F: I will come in.  And I will talk your ears off your puny head.  I will talk and talk.  I am so intense.

M: Ok.  Would you like to have some tea while we talk?

F: Yes, I’ll take your tea.  I will also take all your attention.

M: That’s ok, Fear.  You have my full attention.  And how do you like your tea?

F: I take my tea plain, dark and bitter.

M: Sure you wouldn’t like some milk or honey to sweeten it up?

F: Yes!  No!  I don’t know.  (starting to sob)

M: Oh, hey now, Fear.  That’s all right.  Let it out.

F (crying): I h-h-hate crying.

M: Yeah… but sometimes you just need a good cry.  And here’s a nice cup of hot tea for you.

F: Thank you, I could kill you.

M: You’re welcome, but I don’t see how killing anyone would help matters or alleviate your suffering.  Am I wrong?

F (crying harder): You’re right, damn you!  And I don’t want to go to jail for murder, what a scary place.  I won’t kill you but you know what I’ll do?  I’ll stay here forever and I’ll make your life miserable.

M: You are welcome to stay for as long as you like.

F (hiccupping): R-r-really?

M: Yes.

F: But you used to lock the door in my face and scream at me not to bother you.

M: Yes I did that.  And I am sorry.  That was wrong.  You don’t deserve to be treated that way.  There is enough room here for all of us.

F: All of us.  Who else besides me comes here?

M: Oh, you know, the usual suspects: Hope, Love, Lust, Anger, Sorrow, Loneliness, Desperation, Desire, Despair.  They all drop in from time to time for tea.

F: Yeah, that’s all right I guess.  But I’m not leaving.  I’ll never leave you.  I will stay and torture you forever with my presence, my screeching, my complaints, my worries, and my obsessions.  You’re stuck with me now.  Uha-ha-ha!

M: I don’t think you’re so bad.  Actually, I kind of enjoy having company.  Let me get you some cookies to go with that tea.  And please don’t think that your sharing your thoughts with me is bothersome.  I know in the past I tried to brush you off and pretend I did not have time to listen but that’s in the past now.  I appreciate your wisdom and I welcome you to share with me whatever you like.

F: You mean… you don’t hate me?

M: No, Fear, I don’t hate you.

F: You mean… you’re not scared to have me here with my ugly boils, and my wounds, and my scabs, and my scars… and my pain?

M: No, sweetheart, I’m not scared of you.  I know you’re hurting and I want to help you if I can.

F: This tea is good…

M: I’m so glad you like it.  Here, have some cookies.

F: Oh no, I couldn’t possibly.  I don’t deserve cookies.

M: But these are chocolate chip walnut cookies, our favorite.  You can have as many as you’d like, old friend.

F: Mmm, cookies.

(Fear quickly devours the entire plate of cookies.)

M: Would you like some more?

F: No, I’m full.  Fearsome, and full of tea and cookies now.

M: Great.  Is there anything else you’d like to share with me?

F: Yes.  Be aware of Danger!  Be ever vigilant!  Don’t let your guard down!  Don’t fall under the spell of pleasure!  It’s… very dangerous.  I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to get hurt.  Desire is dangerous.  Don’t fall for his sweet talk.

M: Thank you, Fear, for sharing your concerns with me.  I am grateful that you are looking out for my wellbeing.  And I assure you I will have plenty of tea and cookies on hand whenever you feel like dropping by.

F: And you will heed my warning?  You’ll lock the doors and windows so that desire can’t get in?

M:  No, darling.  Desire is welcome here just the same as you, Fear.  I strive to treat all feelings with respect and consideration.  Everyone is welcome to drop in when they need, to share and to take comfort.

F: Doesn’t it get crowded?

M: Sometimes.  But I don’t mind that either.

F: Fine!  When things go wrong you’ll only have yourself to blame.

M: Thank you.  I certainly won’t blame you.  And I won’t allow Shame or Guilt to pick on you, either.  I take responsibility for my actions.  I am responsible for all of you, for all my feelings and I treasure the time we spend together.  Since death is certain and the time of death is uncertain I cannot allow any of you magnificent, powerful and tremendously honest feelings to go unnoticed and unheard.

F: You… you think I’m magnificent and powerful?

M: You certainly are.  And you are very precious to me.

F: Oh… I didn’t know you felt that way about me, you puny human.  I’d never say the same thing about you.

M: No, you don’t have to tell me I’m magnificent and powerful… because Love will.  He stays here quite often now, even helps with the cleaning.  Actually, it was Love who made the cookies.

F: Ew, gross!  Love made these?

M: Yep.

F: I gotta go, you’re totally grossing me out with all this acceptance, allowance and understanding.

M: Ok, I understand.  If you want to leave I won’t keep you.

F: No, how could you?!  You could never control me. I’m so strong, so quick, so sharp!

M: Yes, you’re right.  I can’t control you.  And I won’t try to.  But you’re welcome to come by anytime.

F: Ha!  You wish I’d come back. (Fear opens the door.)  I’m outa here!  See ya when I see ya.

M: Take care of yourself.


rehab_logoRehabilitation of a Yogi is the story of my quest to find contentment with reality and embrace self care.

Contact me with questions.

This article was originally published at The Interdependence Project Blog.

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