Margoshka and the Infinite Process

Hey, there!  Welcome, fellow traveler, from wherever you may hail, pleased to meet you here in this Rest area on the Information Thruway called This Kinky Mind.

* Have you ever wanted to be a better lover?
* Are you looking for an article to send to your lover under the auspices of “Look at this hilarious post I found”?
* Are you pretty sure you are a super awesome lover already and just want to double-check?

Great!  Here we go.  Based on years of study and research I am thrilled to present This Kinky Mind’s Guide to Being a Better Lover. 

I advertise 5 Easy Steps and fear thee not, I shall deliver on that promise.  I do allow that while these steps to increasing your love mojo may be considered life practices by some, nevertheless I’d qualify them as “easy”.  Or at least they get easier if you keep practicing.  You are not required to buy any fancy new sex toys (though dildos, floggers, butt plugs, and vibrators are hellza fun… or so I’ve heard).  You do not need to subscribe to any particular philosophy or life view (though I might posit that rigid fundamentalists and religious zealots rarely make for a fun frisky time in the sack).  You don’t need to learn a script or memorize any poetry (though poetry is damn sexy).

Step 1: Know Thyself

In step 1 you start with yourself.  That’s what you got, right?  So – know thyself.

Pshaw! That’s easy, you might think.  I know my self just fine.  I know my name, my Twitter handle and my social security number.  I know some stuff about my ancestors, and I can tell you what degrees and certifications I’ve received over the years.

Hey, buddy, that’s great!  A really great start, I’d tell ya.  But let’s see if we can dig a little deeper into the three facets of Supa-Fine Animal You: body, heart and mind.

Body

Do you know your erogenous zones?  What about spots that trigger unpleasant memories?  Emotions are often stored in the body in the form of tension.  Where does your tension accumulate?  Is it usually in the shoulders?  The neck?  Lower back?  In the hips?

Please don’t say “everywhere”.  That’s just a cop-out.

Spend some time getting to know your body.  And I don’t just mean masturbation, although that’s fun, right?  Ladies, grab those hand mirrors.  Gentlemen, go for the lube and make sure you switch up your stimulation technique from time to time.

Heart

The Heart is the center of our Emotions.  Emotions!?  Oh no!

Oh yes!

Are you prone to anger or sadness?  Do you get scared or obsessive when you start to get close to someone?  How do you feel about your mother?  Your father?  Who are the people in your life that you can talk to about the deep shit, your innermost thoughts and feelings?

Seriously.  Know your emotions.  Be able to identify them. Why?  Because even if you’re not feeling particularly emotional now, nothing triggers strong waves of emotion like an intimate relationship.  Being a better lover means knowing your emotions and triggers.  Then you may choose to let your partner in on whatever’s going on with you.  Believe me, they will appreciate it.  And if they don’t then, well, they don’t sound like a good lover so no reason to waste your very sexy skillz on them.  Seriously, if someone can’t handle your emotions, is not ok with you having or showing emotions, that’s immature and manipulative.  You do not need to put up with that shit.  Adults can talk about their feelings with each other.  More on that in Step 2.

Mind

How do you get to know your mind?  Well, there’s an ancient method of getting familiar, even friendly, with one’s mind and that’s meditation.  There are many different types of meditation, so make sure you find the technique that jives with you.

Journaling, and various forms of writing, can also be good ways to get to know the mind.

Another great way to get to know your mind is to talk to a trained professional counselor or therapist (ain’t no shame in it!).  There’s nothing wrong with you if you choose to practice this profound and healing form of self-care.

The more we study the mind, the better we’ll get at noticing our thoughts and finding spaces between the thoughts.  We learn to practice mindfulness, which means that we know how to skillfully direct attention to whatever it is we want to attend to.

This is helpful if you would prefer not to fret about your boss’s nasty email while canoodling with your sweetheart.

Nobody enjoys being on a date where the other person is checking their stupidphone every three minutes.  Rude!  Don’t be that person.  Learn to direct your attention.  Hint: on a date, your attention should be mostly on the fascinating biped you chose to spend time with.

Step 2: Tell the Truth

Unlike in that movie where Jack Nicholson is shouting “You can’t handle the truth!” let’s make believe that your prospective lover can, in fact, handle the truth.  Go ahead.  Tell the truth.  Seriously.

Ok, I’m not talking about confessing your habit of leaving dirty socks and underwear on the bathroom floor, or about the time you curled up with your cat(s) and sobbed into the pillow because you thought no one will ever love you.  You can choose what you tell your date.

But really, tell the truth.

It’s gonna come out anyway.  If you’re polyamorous, say it.  If you’re interested in a long-term monogamous kinky relationship, say it.  Say it because that’s how you’ll start and continue building the bonds of intimacy.

Try to be as honest as possible, at least about the important things.  In Step 1 you learned about yourself.  Step 2 is when you bravely share what you learned with a (hopefully) attentive listener.

Step 3: Listen

Now it gets real tricky.  Are you ready for this?  Just as you are getting on a roll talking about your taste in music (roots reggae and conscious hiphop), the last movie you saw (Looper, not recommended), or your new pet turtle (Sylvester!) you’ve got to switch gears, zip it and… listen.

Notice how the other person is reacting to your courageous honesty.  Is she fiddling with her hair and glancing furtively at the waiter?  Is he nodding excitedly and leaning forward?

Check out what the other person has to say.  Ask them questions.  Not just arbitrary ones, but ones that relate to your interests.  Do you freaking love horror movies?  Don’t you just hate sushi?  Raw fish is gross, am I right?

Once you ask the question, pay attention to their answers.  Trust me, this info will come in handy (in Step 4).

Say, for example, your girlfriend is telling you about her day at the office and how her coworker Mary Kay went bananas over her birthday cake in the conference room.  On the surface this anecdote is not particularly useful, and sure instead of listening you could surreptitiously check your Twitter feed, or the hockey game score, but… if you’re lucky enough to come home with your paramour, and you’re clinched in a passionate embrace that would make Cupid blush, you can whisper into her ear something along the lines of:

I love you more than Mary Kay loves cake.

Score!

You are showing your lady that you care by paying attention to her life, and you’ll get extra points for making her laugh.  Everyone knows that humor during lovemaking is essential.  Laughter releases endorphins and relaxes the nervous system so soon afterwards she’s just that much more likely to enjoy a full body screaming shaking orgasm (if you’re into that sort of thing).

Step 4: Try It

There’s nothing more boring and stifles the libido more than hearing the following lines:  When can I see you again?  I like you so much, when do I get to see you?

Oh, brother, please!

If you want to see me so much then maybe you could make just a bit of effort and find something to suggest that I might enjoy: how about this cooking class (sweet!), wanna go rock climbing (action!), wanna go to the opera (classy!), wanna go shoot some hoops (hot!), wanna try out this rope tying class (um, marry me!).

Are ya catching my drift?  In Step 3 you listened, and your love interest may have mentioned his appreciation for Impressionist painting or her weakness for adorable kitty cats.  It would take very little effort (especially if you live in a cosmopolitan area like NYC or SF, but really anywhere) to find the next Impressionist art show or a way to volunteer with a cat rescue organization for a couple of hours.  Here in Step 4 is the time to use that info we (hopefully) gleaned in Step 3.

If nothing comes to mind you may need to go back to Listening and find out what this human being is all about.  You’re not trying to be a better lover to some figment of your imagination (I hope!).  This is a real person that you’d like to (eventually) get naked with, so listen and they try it, whatever “it” was they mentioned they’re interested in.

Or, heck, suggest the two of you try something you enjoy.  If you are super into bluegrass music or UFC wrestling, go ahead and invite this person to the next show or bout.  Initiative is f***ing sexy!

Step 5: Relax

This is possibly the most difficult step of all in loverdom.  Let’s say that you’ve spent some time looking deeply into your own (divine) being (as per Step 1).  And you’ve been courageous enough to share what’s in your heart and on your mind with a potential bed mate (per Step 2).  Then you took the time and attention to listen to this (incredible) person (Step 3).  And you tried doing some stuff together (Step 4).  Maybe you had a fantastic time going for a yoga hike, or attending a protest together, or checking out a flamenco show.  It’s natural to feel excited and anxious.  It’s natural to want to hurry up and seal the deal (whether for the first or the eighty first time).

But this is when it’s extra important to relax.

Breathe deeply.  Go slowly.

Allow yourself to enjoy the details of the denouement.  Whether the date ends with a chaste kiss, a passionate embrace in the moonlight, or with a raucous bout of lovemaking, you’ve got to relax and let it happen.  This is not the time to be pushy or to second guess yourself.  If you are relaxed (or as relaxed as you can possibly be with this uber-hot person tantalizingly within reach) there’s a good chance you’ll come to a mutually satisfying conclusion (heh).

On the other hand if the date wasn’t very much fun Step 5 remains in play.  Relax.  It wasn’t your fault (provided you fulfilled the other four previous steps as best you could).  These things happen.  Next time will be different.  At least you got some practice out of it.

Being a better lover does not necessitate learning some fancy Kama Sutra technique, or signing up for a Bondage seminar, or finding a bouquet of purple tulips UNLESS your (prospective) partner is into one, or any, of those things.

To sum up:

Know Thyself.  Tell the Truth.  Listen. Try it.  And Relax.

May we all strive to be better lovers for our own sakes and for the sake of our partners.  May these 5 Steps prove useful to you.

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Got a personal story to share about trying the 5 Steps in real life?  I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

This Kinky Mind column is a sex-positive feminist perspective on sex and spirituality, with particular interest in the interplay between dating / fetish / BDSM and Buddhism / mindfulness / the Path of Liberation.  There will be some naughty bits.  Read at your own risk.

Find me on Twitter: @mmargoshka

Ladybug copulation header image courtesy of Fotopedia.

Tagged: 5 Easy Steps, Better Lover, Love, Relationships, Sex, This Kinky Mind